Was it Marco Polo, showing up with his puffy Italian flare in the court of Kublai Khan?
You’re a Mongolian warrior who has never seen a Venetian in a blouse, you’re thinking, ‘what a dork, where is his fox fur hat?’.
every year Seattle hosts 9.3 million tourists
On or near the Seattle waterfront, tourists trundle about in great endless herds. And darn near each one is dressed like a goofball, a dork, frumpy, dumpy and (generally) plump. Not that plump people are dorks.
You line up 100 tourists and 1 local I could single ’em out, why?
TOURISTS ACT LIKE DORKS
Tourists waddle in amused, slow moving packs, picking up trinkets, taking pictures of sailboats and looking for restrooms. They gawk, and squint and refill water bottles and change diapers. They try to save money by filling up on bread. Tourists perpetually teeter on the edge of being lost. This gives them a befuddled way as they seek their coordinates on the glossy chamber of commerce tourism map.
TOURISTS BUY NEW CLOTHES.
Tourists buy a new pair of pleated, acid washed denim jean shorts and forget to take the tag off. They buy bright floral tops and creased bottoms. They are wearing their ‘going out clothes’, which, unless they are young Parisians, falls far short of glamorous. A wedgie is not a fashion statement.
TOURISTS WEAR FANNY PACKS
And backpacks and polarized sunglasses and white tennis shoes and braided leather belts. Tourists accessorize for functionality. They see their full Nalgene bottle and cargo pocket crammed with Clif bars and they imagine themselves some diluted breed of Golden Age explorer or Hollywood hero. Sanitizer goop, sunscreen, band aids, room keys, maps, extra diapers, light jackets and extremely expensive cameras dangle from limbs and fill pockets.
The tourists sets out, well outfitted and ready for anything.
My mom use to stuff my siblings and I in splashy handmade vests and pink turtlenecks then parade us shamelessly. Tourists dress with crests of their local sports teams and t-shirts acquired on other trips (Alaska).
Families and couples tend to generally mimic the same basic theme or color pattern when traveling. With exception of the brooding hipster tween, but even she is an expected cliche.
WHY DO TOURISTS LOOK LIKE DORKS?